Gentry
"Peninsula FYI"
July, 2002 |
Are Manners a Luxury? Are manners a luxury
people feel they can no longer afford?
Friends call an hour before a scheduled dinner party and inform the
hostess they are "just too tired to come". Children crawl around on the
restaurant floor underneath their parents' table. Was the wedding present
lost in the mail? Who knows? There was never a thank you note. And no one
bothers to Rsvp, anymore!
In a January, 2002, survey by Public Agenda, 79% of those polled said
rudeness was a serious problem in this country. 50% reported they had
walked out of a store in the last year, because of poor customer service.
Six out of ten drivers said they regularly observe aggressive or reckless
driving.
What has happened to doing the right thing? Are people too busy to bother?
Or is life perceived to be so hard, so competitive, that they feel they
can't afford to behave well? How else to explain unreturned phone calls,
parents screaming at coaches from the soccer sidelines, men who get in the
express check-out line with 22 items, drivers who don't pull forward at
the gas pump or all those who are never, ever on time. Let alone elbows on
the table, children who talk back, friends who gossip, and guests who
demand a vegetarian meal and then drink too much to eat it.
"There is an idea current that the purpose of etiquette (and of
practically everything else) is to make us all feel good," says social
critic P. J. O'Rourke. "The purpose of etiquette is to make us all be good
(or act as if we were)."
Manners, in fact, are the one luxury everyone can afford. Webster's New
World Dictionary defines luxury as "anything conducive to physical
comfort". Well, there is comfort in good manners, in knowing the right
thing to do, what to say when there has been a death in a family, or what
foods you can eat with your fingers (artichokes, asparagus, fried chicken
and grapes). Manners grease the wheels of social interaction. Notice how
cooperative the cranky checkout girl gets when you smile and engage her in
conversation. And, if you can't summon up any other reason for manners,
they can make you feel slightly superior, which you are. As Judith Martin,
the venerable Miss Manners, notes: "When Miss Manners is treated badly,
she responds courteously. This is known as Not Stooping, or Shaming Them,
or Setting A Good Example."
Manners, after all, do not require you to act like a doormat. Custom
should move with the times and display a sense of humor. I fully endorse
the advice of the Etiquette Grrrls, authors of Things You Need To Be
Told, who advise, "It is much, much more polite simply to tell someone
'See you in hell' than 'See you in court.'"
Manners used to be something people aspired to -- like an Ivy League
education or an Aubusson rug. "Best Society, Best People, or People of
Quality can all be defined as people of cultivation, courtesy, taste and
kindness," said Emily Post. Manners were status symbols. Now that everyone
has an SUV and a Rolex, how about some manners? |
